Television Newsroom. PRESENTER on air.
PRESENTER: We have Breaking News just come in. That's Breaking News just come in. It is reported that one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot. This is Breaking News just come in. One of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot. That's one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot. We're going straight over to our Royal Correspondent outside the Royal Palace. Clive, what can you tell us?
CLIVE: Good morning, Michelle. All I can tell you is that one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot. We don't know when it happened...
PRESENTER: Now that's what I wanted to ask you? Do we know when it happened?
CLIVE: No, we don't know when it happened. All we know for the moment is that one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot.
PRESENTER: Clive, our Royal Correspondent, thank you for the moment. And now I'm joined in the studio by the former editor of a leading fashion magazine. Melissa, what's your take on this Breaking News that one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot?
MELISSA: So, first can I extend my heartfelt sympathies to the Monarch. So, it must be heartbreaking that one of her beloved poodles has broken its foot. So, of course she does have six hundred and twenty seven poodles...
PRESENTER: Now that's what I wanted to ask you. How many poodles does the Monarch have?
MELISSA: So, how many poodles does the Monarch have? So, she has six hundred and twenty seven poodles. Absolutely! So, but of course we don't know which one of the six hundred and twenty seven has broken its foot.
PRESENTER: I'd just like to point to viewers watching at home that the poodle on your screens is not the Royal Poodle that has broken its foot. Because that's what we're discussing, the Breaking News that one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot. Clive, our Royal Correspondent outside the Royal Palace, any developments your end?
CLIVE: No, nothing new here, Michelle. There are no signals at all coming out of the Palace...
PRESENTER: That's what I wanted to ask you. Are there any signals at all coming out of the Palace?
CLIVE: No, there are no signals at all coming out of the Palace. In fact, there have been no developments at all since the Breaking News that one of the Royal Poodles has broken its foot.
PRESENTER: Thank you, Clive. That's Clive our Royal Correspondent with the news that there is no news from the Royal Palace. Melissa, former editor of a leading fashion magazine here in the studio with us, what will be going through the mind of the Monarch right now?
MELISSA: So, what will be going through the mind of the Monarch right now? So, well of course she will be utterly distraught and deeply concerned that one of her beloved poodles has broken its foot. Absolutely! So, but the Monarch is also immensely practical and I'm certain that the Royal Poodle will be receiving the best possible care from the Royal Vet.
PRESENTER: Now that's what I wanted to ask you. Will the Royal Poodle be receiving the best possible care from the Royal Vet?
MELISSA: So, will the Royal Poodle will be receiving the best possible care from the Royal Vet? Absolutely!
PRESENTER: I'd just like to say to viewers watching at home that the picture on your screens of a dog lying on a vet's table is not the Royal Poodle that has broken its foot. And neither is the dog that you see on your screen a poodle. I just want to make that absolutely clear before you start contacting us. (Suddenly excited) Oh, I'm told that our Royal Correspondent outside the Royal Palace has some news for us. Clive, what's the news?
CLIVE: Well the news I'm hearing is that the Royal Poodle has been examined by the Royal Vet and it is confirmed that the Royal Poodle's foot has not been broken after all. So that's confirmation that the foot of the Royal Poodle has not been broken.
PRESENTER: Clive, that's wonderful news! Melissa, what's your reaction to the news that the Royal Poodle has not broken its foot after all?
MELISSA: So, what's my reaction to the news that the Royal Poodle has not broken its foot after all? So, this is really fantastic news! Absolutely! So, I'm sure the Monarch will be thrilled, and, of course, greatly relieved.
PRESENTER: This is what I wanted to ask you. Will the Monarch be thrilled, and, of course, greatly relieved that the Royal Poodle has not broken its foot?
MELISSA: So, will the Monarch be thrilled, and, of course, greatly relieved that the Royal Poodle has not broken its foot? Absolutely!
PRESENTER: Thank you, Melissa. And now let's turn to the report from the United Nations that the effects of global warming have been grossly underestimated and that human life on the planet will be extinct in one week's time. Joining us from Parliament is the Secretary of State for the Environment. Good morning, Secretary of State, thank you being with us. Before we discuss this U.N. report, what's your reaction to the Breaking News that the Royal Poodle's foot was not broken?
SECRETARY: Good morning, Michelle. Well, of course, this is fantastic news, and I'm sure that the Monarch and her extended family will be enormously relieved. Going forward I am sure that going forward everyone going forward will do all that they can going forward to prevent such an event from occurring again going forward. Now as for the alarming report on the demise of the human race in the next seven days, if I could just say....
PRESENTER: We only have a second left. If you could...
SECRETARY: Well I just want to assure everyone that the Government....
PRESENTER: Sorry, Secretary of State, I'll have to cut you off, we're right out of time. We have just time to go to our Royal Correspondent outside of the Royal Palace. Clive, what's happening your end?
CLIVE: I'm still standing here in front of the Royal Palace, and I can see straight down the Royal Avenue, which is where we believe the Royal Car carrying the Royal Poodle accompanied by the Royal Poodle Handler will drive down, before passing through the Palace Gates and into the Royal Palace. But there is no sign at the moment of the Royal Car.
PRESENTER: That's what I wanted to ask you. Is there any sign at the moment of the Royal Car?
CLIVE: No, I can confirm there's no sign at the moment of the Royal Car.
PRESENTER: Thank you, Clive. And thank you to my guest in the studio, the former editor of a leading fashion magazine.
MELISSA: So. Thank you. Absolutely!
Theme music over PRESENTER shuffling some papers and MELISSA looking a little lost.
ENDS
What a complete load of bollocks!
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