Get thee to a nunnery

'Get thee to a nunnery. Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?'

In Hamlet, the eponymous hero tells his mistress Ophelia: 'Get thee to nunnery!' But Ophelia does not heed the command of her lover. Instead, she drowns herself in a lily pond.

Yet what if she had? What if Ophelia had hied herself to a distant convent and taken holy orders? What would have befallen her? 

What follows is an account of....
 OPHELIA IN A NUNNERY.

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Having quit the palace of Elsinore, the fair Ophelia arrives at the nunnery and is ushered into the hallowed chamber of the Mother Superior, who explains to Ophelia that if she wishes to enter the Sacred Order she must take a strict vow of silence. 
"Under the vow you will only be permitted to speak TWO WORDS once every ten years," the Mother Superior tells Ophelia. "Are you willing to be bound by this unbreakable rule?"
"I am, Holy Mother," replies Ophelia.
"Then welcome, my child," says the Mother Superior. "Off you go, about your work, and I'll see you again in ten years time."

Ophelia leaves the chamber and spends the next ten years scrubbing the floors of the convent, working in the kitchen, and labouring in the garden in the wind, the rain and the sun. Ten years later she returns to the Mother Superior's chamber.

"You have now been with us for ten years," says the Mother Superior. "Under the strict rule of our Sacred Order you are now permitted to say two words. What would you like to say?"
"BED - HARD," said Ophelia.
"That's fine," says the Mother Superior. "Now off you go back to your work and I'll see you in another ten years time."

Ophelia returns to her work in the convent, scrubbing the floors, working in the kitchen, and labouring in the garden in the wind, the rain and the sun. Ten years later she returns to the Mother Superior's chamber.

"You have now been with us for another ten years," says the Mother Superior. "Under the strict rule of our Sacred Order you are now permitted to say two words. What would you like to say?"
"FOOD - ROTTEN," said Ophelia.
"That's good," said the Mother Superior. "Now off you go back to your work and I'll see you in another ten years time."

Ophelia returns to her work in the convent, scrubbing the floors, working in the kitchen, and labouring in the garden in the wind, the rain and the sun. Ten years later she returns once more to the Mother Superior's chamber.

"You have now been with us for another ten years," says the Mother Superior. "Under the strict rule of our Sacred Order you are now permitted to say two words. What would you like to say?"
And then Ophelia broke down and began to scream aloud: "I've had enough! I can't take any more! I want to go home! I want to go home!"
The Mother Superior looked at Ophelia.
"And about time too!" she told her. "You've done nothing but bitch ever since you've fucking been here!"