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Tuesday, 31 December 2019
Sunday, 22 December 2019
The Doctor's Appointment
Doctor's surgery. DOCTOR, male, at his desk. Makes an announcement on speaker)
DOCTOR: Mr Gerald Jones, Room 6. (Puts down microphone) Right, now I must try and avoid the use of any bad language with Mr Jones. He is a patient, after all, and I'm far too liberal in my use of obscenities. But it isn't easy! The fact is that I find I can express myself comfortably if I use bad language. It's just how I am. But I must try nonetheless to more restrained in my choice of words. (At that moment the surgery door opened and PATIENT, Mr Jones came in.) Ah, Mr er... Please come in, take a seat.
PATIENT: Thank you, doctor.
DOCTOR: So what's the fucking problem?
PATIENT: It's my toe, doctor.
DOCTOR: Your toe? What's wrong with your fucking toe?
PATIENT: I think it could be an ingrowing toenail.
DOCTOR: Well let's have a look at your toe. (Examines toe) Yes, it's a fucking ingrown toenail all right.
PATIENT: So what can be done, doctor?
DOCTOR: We'll have to cut it off.
PATIENT: (startled) Cut my toe off?
DOCTOR: No, no, not your fucking toe. Just the fucking bit of the nail that's growing inwards.
PATIENT: Thank goodness for that! For a moment you had me worried, doctor.
DOCTOR: So does it hurt?
PATIENT: It does when I knock it. .
DOCTOR: I'll bet it fucking does! Anyway, I'll make you a hospital appointment and we'll get the fucking thing sorted.
PATIENT: How long will it take, doctor, to have the operation?
DOCTOR: That's a fucking good question. It's difficult to fucking say. You'll just have to patient. That's why you're called fucking patients, after all, eh? (Laughs aloud at his joke) So anyway, you'll hear from us as soon as possible. Now I can't be fucking fairer than that.
PATIENT: OK. Thanks a lot, doctor. You've been very helpful.
DOCTOR: No fucking problem.
PATIENT walks to the door, hits his toe on the wall.
PATIENT: Ooh, my toe! (He hops around the room screaming.)
NURSE comes running in.
NURSE: What's all the fucking noise?
DOCTOR: Mr er... has hit his fucking toe on the wall.
NURSE: Come on, I'll help you out. Hold on to my fucking arm.
NURSE helps PATIENT out of the surgery.
DOCTOR: (alone - to himself) Well I didn't do very good there. My resolution to no longer use had language didn't get past the first hurdle. I really must try harder. Who's the next patient? Let me see. Reverend Williams. Well, it should be easy to restrain my impulses with a man of the church. (Makes announcement on speaker.) Reverend Williams, Room 6, please. (Puts down microphone) Now stay calm. Just relax. Remember what you have to do. (The door opens and REVEREND Williams comes in.) Ah, Reverend, please take a seat. First of all may I apologise for failing to attend church in recent months. Purely a lapse I assure you. Perhaps you'll permit me to make a donation to the fund for the maintenance of the tower. Shall we say twenty pounds?
REVEREND: Fuck off! Do something about my fucking arthritis, you fucking quack!
DOCTOR: Right... well if you'd er... care to lie on your back on the trolley and tell me exactly what the fucking problem is and I'll give you a good fucking examination. Now I can't be fucking fairer than that. Well fucking can I?
(DOCTOR examines REVEREND with professional acumen and at ease with himself. )
ENDS
Sunday, 29 September 2019
Friday, 13 September 2019
Monday, 9 September 2019
Sunday, 18 August 2019
Sunday, 28 April 2019
The Party - a play divided into two acts by Jane Arden
Programme of the first production of The Party by Jane Arden |
Jane Arden was born in Newport, South Wales, and went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art when she was fifteen. After a period in repertory she went to America and lived in Greenwich Village "looking around absorbing all I could - looking for new ideas". It was while there that she first began writing seriously. She returned to England because she could only "write out of my own background". Charles Laughton happened to see the unfinished script of The Party, and immediately wanted to act in it. According to the author, he nagged her until the play was completed.
The play was first performed on Wednesday May 28th, 1958, with a cast that included Charles Laughton, Albert Finney, Elsa Lanchester, Ann Lynn and John Welsh.
Ann Lynn and Albert Finney in The Party by Jane Arden |
Elsa Lanchester and John Welsh in The Party by Jane Arden |
Sunday, 21 April 2019
Colloque sentimental by Paul Verlaine with English translation
Paul Verlaine with Arthur Rimbaud |
Melancholy, sadness, fears, and sentimental yearnings form the heart of much of the work of Paul Verlaine (1844-1896). He could never be regarded as an intellectual, or a thinker. On the contrary, the preoccupation of his poetry is one of naive self-expression. As he said himself: "Art, my children, is to be absolutely oneself."
Here is one of his poems, along with our own translation.
COLLOQUE SENTIMENTAL
Dans le vieux parc solitaire et glacé,
Deux formes ont tout à l'heure passé.
Leurs yeux sont morts et leur lèvres sont molles,
Et l'on entend à peine leurs paroles.
Dans le vieux parc solitaire et glacé,
Deux spectres ont évoqué le passé.
- Pourquoi voulez-vous donc qu'il m'en souvienne?
- Ton coeur bat-il toujours à mon seul nom?
Toujours vois-tu mon âme en rêve? - Non.
- Ah! les beaux jours de bonheur indicible
Où nous joignions nos bouches! - C'est possible.
- Qu'il était bleu, le ciel, et grand, l'espoir!
- L'espoir a fui, vaincu, vers le ciel noir.
Tels ils marchaient dans les avoines folles,
Et la nuit suele entendit leurs paroles.
SENTIMENTAL CONVERSATION
In the lonely park in the winter's blast,
Two forms have recently passed.
Their eyes are dead, their lips lifeless too,
And of the words they spoke were heard barely a few.
In the lonely park in the winter's blast,
Two spectres are evoking the past.
"Do you recall, my sweet, those raptures of old?"
- "Why recall what's already gone cold?"
"Does the sound of my name make your heart beat more?
Does my soul haunt your dreams still?" - "Not any more."
"Ah! those happy days of inexpressible glee
With our mouths joined together!" - "Possibly."
"How the sky was so blue and our hopes were so high!"
- "Hope has departed, vanquished, in the dark sky."
So through the wild oats they followed their way,
With only the night to hear what they say.
Friday, 19 April 2019
Blue Ones - A medical dialogue
Doctor’s consultation room. NESS, the doctor, seating behind her desk. JACOB, her patient, comes in.
NESS: Take a seat, Jacob. That one there. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely.
NESS: So. Any news?
JACOB: There is. And I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry about that.
NESS: Oh, gracious me, there’s no need to be sorry. So what is it? Please, in your own words. And I’ll make notes if I may. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely.
NESS: Right, well I’ll just get my pen ready. I shan’t be a moment. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely.
NESS: Right, I’m ready. Off you go.
JACOB: So… well…. There’s been a development. If I can put it that way.
NESS: Absolutely. What kind of a development?
JACOB: Not a very good one, I’m afraid. I’m sorry about that.
NESS: Oh, you don’t need to be sorry, gracious me, no. A development, you say?
JACOB: Yes.
NESS: What kind of a development?
JACOB: Not a good one, I’m afraid. It’s er…. Well, how shall I put it? Er…. Do you mind if I take my coat off? Is that all right?
NESS: Absolutely. It is hot in here. Put it on the peg there. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely. (Takes coat off) So, as I was saying, there’s been a development.
NESS: Yes, you said. A development, eh?
JACOB: Absolutely.
NESS: So what was it?
JACOB: Well…. I don’t know how to put it.
NESS: Why not start at the beginning. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely. Well…. It’s like this. Do you remember when we talked last time?
NESS: I do. Absolutely.
JACOB: And do you remember what I told you last time?
NESS: No. Just remind me, would you? Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely. So, where was I?
NESS: Last time. You were telling me about last time.
JACOB: Right. So. Well. Yes, last time. Yes. Absolutely. So, remember I said that I had forgotten to take the pink ones?
NESS: Oh, no. Don’t remember that.
JACOB: You don’t remember?
NESS: No. I’m sorry about that. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely. Anyway….
NESS: You forgot to take the pink ones?
JACOB: Yes. I’m sorry about that.
NESS: Goodness me, there’s no need to be sorry. So you forgot to take the blue ones?
JACOB: No. The pink ones.
NESS: The pink ones? Oh, yes. Did I say the blue ones. I’m sorry about it.
JACOB: Oh, there’s no need to be sorry. Absolutely.
NESS: Thank you, Jacob. May I call you Jacob? Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely.
NESS: So, the blue ones. You forgot to take the blue ones.
JACOB: No. The pink ones.
NESS: Oh yes! The pink ones. The pink ones, yes. I’m sorry about that. Is that all right?
JACOB: Absolutely, Ness. May I call you Ness. Is that all right?
NESS: Absolutely, Jacob. So. Right. The pink ones, eh?
JACOB: Yes.
NESS: Right. Yes. So you forgot to take them, eh?
JACOB: Yes. I’m sorry about that.
NESS: What about the blue ones?
JACOB: Blue ones?
NESS: Yes.
JACOB: I don’t take any blue ones.
NESS: Oh.
JACOB: No.
NESS: Right. No blue ones, eh?
JACOB: No. I’m sorry about that.
NESS: Oh, goodness me, there’s no need to be sorry. So, you forgot to take the pink ones?
JACOB: Yes. I’m sorry about that.
NESS: Anyway, how do you feel?
JACOB: How do I feel?
NESS: Yes.
JACOB: How do you mean?
NESS: About not taking the pink ones?
JACOB: Oh, I’m sorry about that. Is that all right?
NESS: Absolutely! But how do you feel? I mean, do you feel all right?
JACOB: Absolutely!
NESS: Oh, good! Absolutely! (Pause) Right, well in that case everything seems to be fine. So I’ll see you again in six months time. Is that all right?
I’ll see you next time.
JACOB: Absolutely! (Puts his coat on) Right, well, until next time.
NESS: Bye bye, then. Bye bye.
JACOB: Bye bye.
Jacob leaves.
NESS: (alone - to herself) I could have sworn he took blue ones. But he must know what he takes. Absolutely! (Her telephone rings - she listens) Oh, yes, send him in. Absolutely. Send him in. Is that all right?
Finis.